


It Still Hurts [Jamilton]

by exstrinsal



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: F/F, F/M, Jamilton - Freeform, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, bullying (past), ill add more tags later, im reposting this from my wattpad again, lams (briefly), marliza (briefly), theres lams but if you blink you will miss it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-17
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2018-12-16 09:51:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11826246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exstrinsal/pseuds/exstrinsal
Summary: Soulmate AU where the soulmates have a matching symbol in the opposite place of the other. (Left palm-right palm, behind left ear-behind right ear, etc.)





	1. Goodbye, Eliza

**Author's Note:**

> im writing this with my friend on Wattpad [Exstrinsal] transferring it here .

[A/N] quick trigger warning for a panic attack! I'll put some --- before it starts. I've never written or experienced a panic attack before, so feel free to call me out if I screw anything up -Exstrinsal

Alexander smacked his alarm clock for the fifth time. He stayed up all night, because of the night-shift at work for the third day in a row. Alexander finally sat up. He rubbed his face. After looking at the calendar, he leaped out of bed. It was the first day of school! How could he forget?! He ran to the bathroom. Opening his right hand so the symbol was visible, Alexander examined the star. Well, almost star. The top point was cut off. 

"Maybe I'll find mine this year." Alexander had thought excitedly. He quickly got ready. He gave the picture of his mother a kiss, then ran out the door. 

Quickly making his way downtown, he spotted some familiar faces. The faces of his one and only girlfriend, and her two sisters. He jogged over to them. "Hello ladies!" he greeted. "Hey Alex!" Eliza exclaimed, giving him a hug. They weren't soulmates, but loved each other regardless. It wasn't long before they reached the school. Mrs. Washington was handing out dorm numbers. Sadly, Alexander didn't share a dorm with any of the girls. He made his way to his dorm.

The dorm was empty, his room-mate hadn't arrived yet. Alexander got first pick of bedrooms. He chose the bigger room. There was a desk in there he would need later. After he was unpacked and settled in, he was tired. He laid down. Within seconds, Alexander was out cold.

Hamilton awoke about two hours later, according to the time. Pots and pans banging against each other was heard from somewhere outside his room.

Probably my roommate, Alexander concluded. The short male exited his room, not very thrilled to be roomed with someone reckless. Hamilton slowly made his way down the hallway, making his presence known by adding a slight stomp to his step. When he rounded the corner, his heart dropped to his feet, eyes widening in fear.

"Oh no.." Alex's voice sounded pathetic as he lost his balance attempting to walk backwards to his room. The short male winced as his body made a loud thump when he hit the floor. 

The large, voluminous curls and pompous magenta suit was unmistakably, Thomas Jefferson. 

\-----

Oh shit, oh shit oh shit ohshitohshitohshit! Alexanders mind screamed at him to get the FUCK out of there, but he couldn't move his body. 

Thomas Jefferson turned around upon hearing a voice, not really expecting the one and only Alexander Hamilton to be laying on the floor, his breaths becoming more labored by the second. Jefferson's expression changed from one of boredom, to one of shock in a matter of seconds, then again to another of guilt and regret. 

Alexander was losing his vision quickly. He had a faint feeling of tears streaming down his cheeks, and he could feel a wave of nausea crashing upon himself. As quick as Hamilton could, he backed up, and ended up hitting a wall, causing pain to explode through his back. He could hear Thomas rushing forward, and Alex automatically assumed the worst. He curled into a ball.

Almost on instinct, Jefferson thought. It hit him like a fucking brick.

Almost on instinct! Every few seconds, a choked sob could be heard from the crying man. Thomas reached out to touch Alexanders arm, but as soon as he did, he was met with a smack on the hand. Hamilton shimmied away, his sobbing becoming a little bit louder, and curled into a tighter ball (if that was even possible). 

"Alexander," Jefferson tried. Alexander made a small noise of disapproval, but Thomas moved closer anyway

"Hey, Alex, listen. Breathe with me, okay? One, two, three, in," Thomas waited a second before continuing,

"One, two three, out." The two repeated the process for a few more minutes.

Hamilton could distantly hear Jefferson's voice, but was very aware he was only a few inches away from himself. While they were practicing the breathing exercise, Thomas's voice was easier to hear. 

\--

At some point, while they were counting their breaths, Alexander had passed out, and slumped onto Thomas's left shoulder. Jefferson sighed, as a sad smile took place upon his face. He picked the sleeping man up, and walked him back to his room. The curly haired man gently dropped Hamilton on his bed, then proceeded to leave the room, closing the door as gently as possible. 

When Thomas arrived to his own room, he tossed himself onto his bed. All of his thoughts consisted of Hamilton, and whatever the hell just happened.

Did I cause it? Was it my fault? His actions were ion instinct. It was my fault. It was my fault. It was my fault.

Needless to say, Thomas didn't get much sleep that night.

\----

When Alexander awoke the next morning, he had one missed call and one new text from Eliza.

Betsy: We have to talk, call me whenever youre up

Hamilton wasnt all that worried, Eliza always sent him texts that were more serious than they should be.

So, without hesitation, he pressed the call button. After three rings, Eliza picked up.

"Hey, 'Liza! What's up?" 

"Hi, Alexander," Eliza's tone held worry and a hint of guilt, Alex dismissed it.

"I found my soulmate," One.

"Her name is Maria Lewis," Two.

"We need to break up." Three.

After three breaks, Alexander dropped the phone.


	2. Heartbreak is harder than I thought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The events after eliza breaks up with him  
> [sorry if they are out of character lol]

Alexander dropped the phone. He went numb. 

She wants to leave me? he thought. He fell to the ground. A tear rolled down his face. With shaky hands, Alexander picked up his phone once again. 

"I hope you'll be happy together," he said. Before Eliza could reply, Alexander hung up. He dropped his phone again. He curled up into a ball. Without Eliza, he was lost.

\-----

Thomas heard Alexander talking. Assuming it was just another one of his strange friends, he ignored it. Then, he heard sobbing. Thomas got up from his place on his bed. He walked into the hallway, only to find Alexander in a ball on the floor. "Hamilton? What the hell?" he asked. Alexander was mumbling to himself. "Eliza's gone, she left me, I'm lost," he whispered repeatedly. "Uh... why don't you go to Laurens's dorm?" Thomas suggested. He didn't want to deal with this. Alexander slowly stood. He grabbed his phone off the floor. Making his way to the door, he texted John Laurens, his best friend. 

HamSandwich: Eliza left me.

TurtleBoi: mint ice cream is in the freezer

HamSandwitch: Thanks. 

TurtleBoi: np

Alex shuffled out the door, walking down the hall slowly

\-----

When John opened the door, Alexander took two steps before collapsing into his arms. 

"Come in, Herc and Laf are here already," John said. Slowly, the two men made they're way to the couch. Lafayette appeared with a jumbo tub of mint ice cream, and a spoon, Alexander's favorite. Hercules appeared with Mean Girls. He slipped it in the DVD player. John hit play. Almost as if it was magic, an assortment of alcohol was lined up in the table. Alexander really had great friends. Everyone sat on the couch, and watched the movie. John sat uncomfortably, and awkwardly close to Alexander. Thinking it was just to comfort him, Alex let it slide. Soon enough, Alexander fell asleep.

\-----

Thomas was starting to worry. Alexander had a meltdown, left, and didn't come back. Why would he want to? Thomas was an absolute ass to him in the past. No wonder he had a panic attack. 

"Why do I even care!?" Thomas thought aloud, passing his roommates room. Finally, the door swung open, and Thomas peaked his head around the corner. A very drunk Alexander Hamilton sauntered in. Thomas face-palmed himself. Alex collapsed on the couch. Thomas shut the door. When he turned around, Alex was out cold. Thomas sighed. 

With ease, he picked up the smaller man, and carried him to his bedroom. Gently, Thomas placed Alexander on the bed. He threw a blanket over him and quietly crept out of the room. Once he was out, he was pretty tired himself. Jefferson wanted to stay awake a little longer to make sure Alexander was okay. He made himself some coffee. Swiftly downing it, he was pretty pumped up. He decided to make himself some mac & cheese.

\-----

After finishing three boxes of macaroni, Thomas went to check on Alex. He was whimpering. 

"Mmm... No... Thomas," he whispered. 

"Thomas!?" Thomas whisper-shouted. Alexander began tossing and turning. He jolted awake, with a gasp. Thomas took two steps, and he was out the door before Alex noticed him. Alexander began violently sobbing. Thomas stepped into the door frame of Alexander's room. 

"Hamilton? What's wrong?" he asked, concern lacing his voice. 

"Why the HELL would you care!?" Alexander snapped. 

"I care because I can't sleep with you being so loud!" Thomas shot back. 

"Just go! Get out of my room!" Alex screeched. Thomas put his hand up in defeat. He left the room, retreating to his own. He dropped onto his bed. Pulling the magenta blankets over him, Thomas couldn't stop thinking about one thing. 

He was having a nightmare, that much was obvious. he sighed. Trying not to think about it, Thomas eventually fell asleep.

\-----

Alexander sat there. Looking around, his eyes landed in his laptop. Quickly deciding to do what he does best, Alex grabbed his laptop. He opened a document, and began furiously typing. Typing about his dream.

"Water rushed down the street. Dead bodies floated with it. I was standing on a platform of some kind. Eliza's dead body floated up to me. 

"No!" I screamed, dropping to my knees. I felt a hand in my shoulder. I looked to see who it was. 

"Thomas?" I said. 

"Alex, I'm sorry... Eliza isn't coming back," he said. I looked at Eliza again. A woman is a red dress, much like Eliza's blue dress, floated down the flood of what now, appeared as blood. She grabbed Eliza's hand. The women looked at each other. The bodies went limp. I felt a tear run down my cheek. I pushed the bodies away. The blood began to rise. I tried to swim, but Thomas held me down. 

"Stay, and die with me," he said. I struggled to breathe. I looked at Thomas. His face morphed into my mother's. 

"Alex? Don't you want to join me? Life is much easier when you're dead," she said. I wiggled around, trying to free myself. Then poof. I was gone."

Alex saved the document. He closed his laptop, and placed it on his desk. Laying down, pulling his emerald blanket over him, he curled into a ball.

\-----

After hours of nothing, but wondering what that dream might have meant, Alexander's alarm clock went off. Jumping at the sound, Alex practically sprang out of bed. His head was pounding. Realizing what the sound was, he whacked the small electronic.

\-----

When Thomas woke up, he climbed out of bed, and went to the kitchen to make breakfast. He looked through the cabinets to see what there was. Macaroni. He would love some mac & cheese, but Alexander finds it revolting. He looked around more. All that was there, was macaroni. Thomas rolled his eyes at his own stupidity. Jefferson ran back to his room to change from his magenta pajamas, and walked to the diner that was on the campus grounds. Students weren't allowed to leave campus. He got some food for himself, and a little extra for Hamilton. When he stepped out of the diner, it was raining.

\-----

Alexander was in a small ball in the corner of the living room. He had four blankets, two pillows, and his green beanie with him. A tear rolled down his cheek. Then, another. Soon, his eyes were pouring, just like outside. Just then, Thomas walked in. 

"Hey... Hamilton? What are you- wait... are you afraid of storms?" he asked. Suddenly, a flash, followed by a boom from the sky let out. Alexander buried his face deeper into the pillow in front of him. Thomas ran over to Alex. He wasn't thinking. He was concerned. Thomas put his arms around Alexander. Alex stiffened at first. Then, he relaxed. He leaned on Thomas. 

"Hamilton, breath with me. One, two, three. In. One, two, three. Out," Thomas repeated. Soon enough , the smaller man was breathing normally. Not only that, he was also, asleep. Finally. Thomas picked up the immigrant, and carried him to his room. Thomas laid the green covers over the sleeping man. The tall man quietly crept out of the room, and closed the door. He decided to finish his breakfast before it became cold.


	3. Quiet, for just a moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alexander (kinda) fucks up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that this is onlylike 600 words long im not very good at writing long chapters so i hope this keeps you quenched until we write the next chapter

Thomas finished his breakfast. He couldn't stop thinking about Alexander. 

 _Stop it Thomas! You promised to never fall in love, unless it's your soul mate_! Thomas thought. He looked at his left hand. He studied the star without a top. Could Alex be his...? 

 _Nope, Stop!_  his mind screamed. He shook his head to clear his thoughts. Perhaps, he could sneak into Alexander's room, and peak? 

 _Thomas! Quit thinking about the impossible!_  he yelled to himself again. He needed to check on Alex regardless. Thomas stood. He made his way to the smaller man's room. He cracked the door open. The man was typing away on his laptop. 

"I'm leaving. Hangin out with James," Thomas said, his southern accent drawling the sentence out. He turned on the ball of his foot, and left.

**_[Alexander's POV]_ **

As soon as Jefferson left, I jumped out of bed. I sat at the table where a plate a food was set, a note with Jefferson's arrogant hand-writing was present.

_"Hamilton, I got you some breakfast. Sorry if it's cold when you wake up."_

Shrugging, I pushed the plate aside. I wasn't very hungry.

Come to think of it, I'm never very hungry.

Deciding to invite the squad over, I pulled out my phone to text our group 

chat.hamsandwich: party at mine?

pegegegegegeggy: alcohol?

hamsandwitch: hell yeah

pegegegegegeggy: omw

turtleman: same

Betsy: Am I invited?

hamsandwitch: sure,,

Betsy: I'll be there!

Angel-ica: See y'all soon

Betsy: Can I bring my soulmate? I want you all to meet her.

hamsandwitch: i guess

frenchiestfry: i'll be there, mon ami

hotpants: me too!!!!

a.burrden: Why am I here?

hamsandwitch removed a.burrden from the group chat.

hamsandwitch: anyways, get here asap

I put my phone down. Within 10 to 15 minutes, everybody had arrived.

\-----

"YOU PROMISED ALCOHOL!" Peggy screeched, slamming the door open. Angelica had to grab the door before it created a hole in the wall. 

Eliza walked through the door, attempting to coax an unfamiliar face to come in. Alexanders felt a stab at his heart, but he forced a half-hearted smile upon his face. The middle Schuyler sister was holding, what Hamilton assumed, to be Maria's hand. Alex turned towards the fridge, grabbing a few bottles of alcohol near the back. He had been stashing them for moments like this. Or, whenever times got tough.

No one really knows where their friend had gotten the alcohol, but no one really cared. If Lafayette cared, he didn't mention it. 

Hercules scavenged the cabinets for shot glasses, quickly and carefully setting them down. The group grabbed the glasses at their leisure.

"Well, drink till you pass out. Or, don't. But whatever you do, don't die." Alexander announced, downing a shot of Fireball easily. The alcohol burned as it slipped down his throat, but he didn't mind. The rest of the squad grabbed the drink of their choice and gulped it down.

About an hour later, Maria and Eliza were the most intoxicated of the group. They didn't mind being very touchy-feely and passionately kissing in front of everyone.

Eventually, Alex was done drinking out of his miniature glass. He started drinking from the vodka bottle.

What a terrible fucking idea that was.

Lafayette took his sweet time drinking from his shot glass. Everyone else was either guzzling their drink, or regularly refilling their glass.

Basically, everyone was a drunk toddler an hour and a half after the party started. The group has sectioned off into smaller ones, Alex and John, Hercules and Lafayette, Eliza and Maria, then Angelica and Peggy.

Hamilton and Laurens' were sitting very close together, the shorter of the two practically sitting on Johns lap. Alex leaned into John's touch as he played with his hair, giggling lightly. Somewhere in the back of Hamiltons mind, he knew he shouldn't be doing this. He has a soulmate out there that loves him. 

In his drunken state, Alexander thought it was a BRILLIANT idea to kiss his best friend, the one and only John Laurens.

 


	4. hey choldron

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just read it fuckers

Im not working on "it still hurts" anymore.  
i have no motivation to work on full stories, and im kindra drifting away from the other person whos mainly writing it.  
so basically, I wont be posting the story here anymore.  
but my friend will still be updating it on **WATTPAD**  
https://www.wattpad.com/466172537-it-still-hurts-jamilton-smile-more  
you dont need an account to read the stories there, but you do need one to comment.   
so if you dont have a wattpad account and dont want to create one, just comment on here abt a chapter and i'll just comment on that chapter on wattpad for yall  
sORRY TO DISAPPOINT ILL TRY TO UPDATE MY OTHER STORY TO MAKE UP TO YALL AND @ THE PERSON WHO REQUESTED JEFFMADS SMUT IM TRYING I S WEA R


End file.
